things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
