I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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