There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
Randomize
