it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
