Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Success! We fucked roommates!
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
