Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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