puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Randomize
