please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
Randomize
