i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
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