4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
And then my night got REAL pukey
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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