I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
He put on star wars porn, i thought it was hilarious last night but now i'm wondering why he has star wars porn
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