Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
cat food counts as protein by the way
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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