It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I need moral support for this bender
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
Randomize
