I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
