i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
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