i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
