I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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