just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
