Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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