As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
