Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Randomize
