how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
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