I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
