I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
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