who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
