Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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