Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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