I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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