i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
