party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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