i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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