by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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