I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I made out with the uber driver for free weed, I thought he deserved it
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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