Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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