Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
The best revenge is premature balding
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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