i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Randomize
