I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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