Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
All hell broke loose. When the police showed up, this kid somehow haggled with a cop to let him pee in public. I'm convinced he could talk the panties off of a nun
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
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