I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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