I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
