Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
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