I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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