oh god the rape fog is back!
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
