Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
