When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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