we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Randomize
