Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
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