i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
