some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
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