Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Randomize
