there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
