I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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