i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
